Happy new year everyone! Hope you guys enjoyed the festive holidays and looking forward to another short break in Feb.

John and I will be celebrating our fourth wedding anniversary this month and it kinda served as a reminder to me that we have gone by four years without a kid. This, compared to many other couples who have tried longer than us is probably nothing. I have met couples who have tried for more than 10 years (and are still trying) and I admire their fighting spirit and the strong desire to have a child. In fact, I salute them. But I’m not sure if that’s the case for me.

I have not mentioned this before. But for a while, I tried acupuncture. Never thought I would because I tried once when I sprained my back and I cried like a baby when they started poking me. I think the fear comes from the thought of multiple needles and the electric current going into my body. But it was okay luh. Not as painful as I imagined. The sinseh is very well trained and she has techniques to make me feel comfortable. But after 2 months or so, I stopped attending. Firstly it’s because I have no time, and secondly, I am going on a mental break.

As the title suggests, after deliberating for a few months, I’ve decided to take a break in the process. This decision did not come easy. Imagine trying your best at something for 1.5 years and not attaining the results you want. And knowing a break will delay your end goal. Do you stop to take a breather or carry on? I choose to stop. Because I know, mentally, I’m drained.

I have always been back and forth with the idea of having a child. That made me wonder if I really wanted one. I think along with social pressure (seeing everyone around me pregnant or running around with a child), it felt “right” to have kids after marriage. But these days, I’m meeting more couples who have decided to go without. So I am really right smacked in the middle wondering which direction I should go. I think this kinda shows that I am not ready. Some thoughts that I’ve been thinking of lately.

1. Increase my chance of conceiving

As I have been diagnosed with endometriosis, I am always on the lookout for remedies or anything that can help to increase my chance of conceiving. I can’t take contraceptives, so it seems like I only have IVF to rely on. IUI has a smaller chance of success so I was told to bypass that idea. Due to work, I had decided to postpone the thought of IVF until mid this year. I have heard of massages that can help in conceiving but I am still quite sceptical about it and I believe it will cost a bomb. Apart from that, I have been exercising a bit more (very minimal kind luh) and taking fewer cold drinks and food. I might go back to acupuncture because I do feel a difference in that.

2. Am I ready?

It takes a village to raise a child and even though I know my villagers are ready, I am not sure if I am. Hahaha! I think many can empathise that in the current Covid situation, offices are busier than usual. There are more calls to compensate for the lack of in-person meetings. The world is changing how businesses work and we minions are the builders of such notion. Work is always at the back of my mind and I am worried about the stress I will take on when I am pregnant amid the pandemic. I know we are trying to go endemic but being the more vulnerable species is more worrying than ever. See? My mind doesn’t stop worrying.

3. What if we move on?

What if I don’t have a kid? What will our life become? Do we then now plan for just the two of us? Will we regret it? I imagined all the places we could go with the freedom that we have. It’s nice. But I also think that we might regret it when we turn older. Don’t get me wrong, we are not raising kids to take care of us, but thinking more about the company we could have. We are way past the era where people raise kids to take care of them in the future. I am in a sandwich generation where my parents did not plan and save for their retirement and are relying on their children to fund them. On the other hand, we also have to plan for our own family. How is this possible. John and I are very certain that our future child/children will not go through this. They will only need to worry about themselves. They have to be independent and earn their own money.

With all that, I felt that a mental break is needed. To take a step back and look at life again. To be at least 80% certain about having a child and to take stock of how both of us are feeling in life. Seek the clarity from within before making the decision of a lifetime. All the best to us.

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