(^^1^^909^^545^^6717)Back in January, I was diagnosed with inattentive ADHD. I never knew too much about the condition, so I can’t even put my finger on the moment I knew I should be tested. It was more of a desperate guess to make sense of myself and my increasingly poor habits. Or my lifelong inability to build a routine. I was sort of at the end of my rope in terms of basic, executive tasks, and it seemed that all of my issues kept snowballing.
But things have been “bad” for a while.
I already knew I’ve struggled with depression for decades and I’ve been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder (though most of my symptoms have been in remission for a while now). And, of course, I was diagnosed with autism a few years ago, back when my daughter first began therapy for some oral aversion and rigidity.
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been of the mind that “knowing yourself” is important, but only in my mid-thirties did the notion really hit home and seem vital. There’s a lot I wish I’d known about myself a long time ago. A lot of those late diagnoses could have changed the course of my whole life — and most likely for the better.
We work with what we’ve got, however, and I suppose there are certain perks to having later revelations like these. At nearly 40, my career has only begun, and I now glean a great deal of joy in the journey, even when it’s hard.
A lot more has happened over the past year, though. I’ve felt.. alone, yet at the same time, I’ve never before wanted to be so alone. I became something of a hermit, if I’m honest — especially once my “mental hardwiring” seemed to fuck up so many of my relationships. It felt like I just couldn’t get onto the same page with anyone.
2020 was the year that made me realize how many of my priorities have dramatically shifted, and how I don’t juggle things like most other people. Not at all. Sadly, I let a lot of folks down. And I spent the whole year just trying to hang on through the pandemic. My lipedema progressed and I lost a significant amount of mobility. I began battling painful skin infections on my thighs.
And then I started perimenopause.
Wow. Suddenly, everything in my life felt hard, whether or not I believed it was hard. I felt constantly on edge, and I didn’t like how easily irritated I was at home with my daughter.
I suppose my life was this perfect storm that culminated in such desperation that I ironically ran across the idea that maybe I have ADHD in some random article online that connected strange dots like menopause, vision problems, binge eating, hoarding, and anxiety. Then, I read about some of the common troubles for adult women with ADHD, like impulsiveness and difficulty with executive tasks.
So, that’s it. I felt desperate enough to get assessed for ADHD, even though I expected the assessment to be a waste of money. I was surprised when the doctor diagnosed me with inattentive ADHD, perhaps because I had so many preconceived notions about what ADHD looks like.
Once I got my diagnosis, I sat with it for more than a month. I knew the next logical steps were therapy and medication, but I felt a lot of trepidation about starting a new treatment plan for anything. But desperation came again, and it kept coming back. Maybe that’s when it occurred to me that I’ve been struggling so much more lately, and perhaps, needlessly?
Eventually, I decided to talk to my doctor about medication. I had the appointment yesterday, online, and I was so nervous because I actually felt like I might be doing something wrong by asking for meds at all. There’s that part of me that worries I only think I have certain problems because I read about them. And there’s that other part of me that wonders if I’m just looking for excuses to explain why I am the way I am. (What if the reality is that I’m just useless and lazy, etc.?)
Fortunately, the doctor was very kind and listened to my concerns without rushing me or trying to get me to shut up. She didn’t even bring up my weight, though I did tell her I’m in recovery from disordered eating.
In the end, she put me on a low dose of Adderall twice a day for up to 6 days a week, but only for two weeks to see how I feel on it. She advised that I only take it for work. Not to do the laundry or go to the grocery store, etc., because she considers that a recipe for dependency.
“If you start taking it for those things, you’ll struggle just to get off of the couch,” she told me.
In two weeks, we’ll have another appointment to discuss how it’s working for me. We’re also going to talk about trying a different medication, because she suspects that Vyvanse would be perfect for me, but she wants to see if I can get signed up for a savings program since it’s much more expensive than Adderall.
Since the label warns that Adderall might impair your ability to drive, I decided to wait to take my first dose until after I picked my kid up from school. We got home, I took the blue pill, started making some soup for dinner, and wondered if I was going to feel… anything.
I wasn’t (and I’m still not) expecting a whole lot. For one thing, I don’t really like to get my hopes up about life changes. It also seems a little bit too good to be true — how some folks treat it like a miracle. I’d like to temper my expectations, you know? So, maybe an hour after the first dose, right when I had pretty much decided I probably wouldn’t feel anything, I felt the subtlest mental shift.
I’d spent my whole day struggling to focus or find enough gumption to get much of anything done. But in the middle of preparing dinner, I suddenly felt like writing. And not just in the general sense. I actually felt like I was in the right headspace with less brain fog.
While the soup simmered on the stove, I sat down at my kitchen table to write. What am I actually feeling right now, I silently asked myself.
I made a list of every little thing I could think of:
My eyes felt less tired.
I was feeling a real urge to write.
My thought process seemed… calmer? There are several projects I want to do for work (and a few for my life in general), but an hour after the Adderall possibly kicked in, I found myself feeling a little bit more deliberate and less frazzled. Like my thoughts were racing less and even more linear. If my thoughts wandered, I found myself reigning them in and thinking, “Okay, what to do next?”
Usually, my thoughts churn a whole lot until I feel overwhelmed and then panic because I’m not more productive.
I didn’t know if it was the Adderall, the placebo effect, or just a random fluke, but I did feel different. And possibly even… happier?
It’s hard to say.
While I did get some writing done, I wasn’t any faster than usual. (I might be a little bit slower, actually.) I still got distracted and changed gears frequently. I didn’t feel as if my focus had truly gone up. But it did feel slightly better — at least from where it was all day long.
And I felt more content and calm about being slow.
Later in the evening, I noticed I felt pretty dizzy. I got up and walked into the kitchen to put the cooled soup into individual containers, but I had to be very careful and intentional with my motions. It wasn’t awful or anything, but it was definitely noticeable and out of the ordinary for me. I drank some extra water and had a small snack.
As the dizziness subsided, I felt my tiredness return. Once again, my eyes felt that familiar ache of fatigue. I was curious what my sleep would be like, mostly because I haven’t slept well for a few nights in a row. I’ve been sort of anxious about the doctor appointment and getting on medication, plus my sister’s back in the hospital, and I’ve felt a bit like a “loser” with my work this month. I’ve been a little bit nervous that starting a drug like Adderall might make my anxiety and sleep troubles worse. I hit the hay a bit before 11PM, felt a little bit… wired, but once again, I didn’t expect much of a difference.
To my relief, though, I woke up around 6AM to use the bathroom, and I felt surprisingly well-rested. That’s definitely not my normal — even after my other “good nights” of uninterrupted sleep.
Of course, I’ve only had the one pill. I’m getting ready to take my next dose and hopefully enjoy a productive workday. We’ll see. It’s too soon to know how many of my feelings are the Adderall and how many are just my attempts to explain my experience.
I’m still trying not to get my hopes up too high, and I do plan to keep taking my doctor’s advice and use each dose judiciously — only for work.
And hunger?
You know, there’s long been talk about the way Adderall can curb a person’s appetite. In fact, one of the reasons my doctor wants me to try Vyvanse is that it’s also prescribed to help to treat BED (binge eating disorder). But I’m actually in a pretty good place with that these days.
For the past few weeks, I’ve been very intentional about eating three meals a day, and I’ve probably been having my best streak ever since I first began dabbling with intuitive eating and food freedom more than a year ago. For the first time in my life, I feel as if I am finally — successfully — repairing my relationship with food. As if intuitive eating has finally “clicked.”
That means I’ve quit looking at weight loss as “proof” that intuitive eating is working, and I instead focus on the meaningful wins, like how at lunch when I ate a handful of potato chips, I actually noticed when they quit tasting good. (So, I quit eating them.) Or the fact that I have a whole cupboard full of candy but forget that it’s in there.
Lately, I don’t feel compelled or controlled by food, and better yet, I don’t feel compelled or controlled by food rules or diet dogma either. I’ve simply been gathering more information about what I like to eat, what I feel good eating, and what meals work with my particular lifestyle and challenges.
All of that means I’m looking at Adderall much differently than I would have done in the past. Before I ever considered that I might have ADHD, I used to envy those who said their meds curbed their cravings or took away their appetites. I thought that’s what I wanted — or even needed. But I think about all of this much differently now that I’m committed to intuitive eating and food freedom. I’m no longer interested in ignoring or suppressing my body’s needs.
So, I plan to keep working at my intuitive eating while I take Adderall. I’ll admit that I think my appetite was a bit subdued last night and I didn’t wake up as hungry as usual this morning. It took more time to feel genuinely hungry, but I still got breakfast in before 9AM, which is one of my daily intentions. After only two doses of the drug, it’s hard to say how I’ll feel about it next week or next year.
I’ll definitely be monitoring my experience closely. I want to be very aware of my mind and body and I have no interest in “losing” any of the progress I’ve made in my relationship with food.
It’s not that productivity isn’t important or doesn’t matter to me, but I really want to make sure that I embark on this ADHD treatment plan with a more “wholistic” mindset. I’m not interested in “getting more done” to the detriment of my body or mental and emotional health.
My overall goal here isn’t to be “normal” or high-achieving.
I just want to be reasonably healthy, pursuing my happiness, and able to manage life’s curves in a positive way. That means I’m not looking at Adderall (or Vyvanse) to be some sort of miracle drug. I suspect I also won’t be viewing it as “that one thing I’ve been missing for all of my life.”
After decades of wrong diagnoses, new diagnoses, and a plethora of different challenges, I’ve quit holding out hope for magic bullets.
I’m more than happy to be slowly making progress instead.